On Being A Student

My student life is like a party in the beginning. Starting the new passage of life was exhilarating. I said goodbye to my professional life and was anticipating my student life with much excitement. I traded the financial security with a hope that I could travel and explore the new home.

The office was my prison. I was merely a computer operator at work. An extension of the machine. A sentient being to generate money. Being shouted at, being bullied, being pressured were my weekdays routine. I locked myself in my room most weekends to get myself some space to breath. My room was my fortress. My own little bubble where I felt safe and could feel like a free person. Meeting people on some weekend was optional. An option to keep me sane from my self-isolation.

The new room, I'm living now, is my prison. Homeworks are my ball and chain. They follow me whenever I go. The works at the office were my ball and chain, but I left them at work. They didn't follow me or I took them home with me.

In real world, simple task can be challenging because some people play politics on you. In student's life, your challenge is time. The enemy is none other than yourself. Either sink or swim, you only have yourself to blame.

The campus seems the only place I could explore most of the times. Poking around at random suburbs is what I call travel now. Excitement has faded to another routine. Repetition of the same occurrences in different time and place.

I'm living the consequence of my choice. That sucks!

It Smells Like Home

Singapore was hazy in today. I thought the rain in the morning left a thin layer of fog in the sky, but it smelled like smoke when I was out for lunch. I was thinking the cleaners of the office building next door was burning garbage. I joked with my colleague that the smoke was from our office, so that we didn't have to go back to work.

I just knew that there is forest fire in Indonesia when I was back at the office. It happens annually apparently. I've heard that the smoke can reach Singapore and Malaysia, but hadn't experience it personally. Until today.

I think Indonesian workers in Singapore shouldn't feel homesick for the coming few days. The homeland is sending its scent here. The scent of homeland in a foreign soil. Hmmm, nothing is better than that. Nothing SMELLS like home!

Thought About Life (Part 3)

Why do we obsess with life? It's because we only know life. We don't know death.

I fear death.

I loathe death when I think about life. I fear how it would feel when my body decompose and my conscious depart from my body. The happiest soul is the one that is never been born. A non-existence being in the infinite universe. The birth of a baby should be mourned not celebrated. The earlier one dies from birth, the better. Because they don't have or have little conscious about life.

When I think further about death, I think about the moment of me being unborn. I don't remember any event before my birth. That's it! I should think death as the moment that I hadn't been born.

I don't remember or feel any body parts growing from my fecal body when I was being developed in my mother's womb. The earliest memory I have about my childhood, is when my parents were living at my maternal grandparents' house. It was late evening. I had digestion problem that night and threw up all of the warm bottled milk I had drunk earlier.

I feel better now.

From a non-existent being in the infinite world, to an existent being in the finite world, and will go back to a non-existent being in the infinite world.

Thought About Life (Part 2)

The article that I read the day before yesterday makes me think, why we cling to life. Even though, with our limbs cut off.

We are taught to advocate life. Persons with compassionate heart would not assist their suicidal friends in their attempts. We would not advocate euthanasia without a reason. That is, A REASON.

Suicide has been a confrontational matter since the dawn of time. There are many different views on it. Greco Roman philosophers had relaxed attitude towards suicide but they did not approve it unless there was a reason. Abrahamic religions view suicide as an offense towards God and is a sin. It is outlawed in some countries. The word suicide did not occur in English dictionary until 1651, because the act itself was seen as disgusting. They used phrases such as self-killing, self-slaughter or self-murder in place of suicide.

We are obsessed with life. Being immortals is our universal dream. Every culture and religion has the realm of life after death. We created it to avoid the thought of death. It is our utopian dream too. The inventions in technology seem like to prolong our span of lives. Some people convince themselves that they are just sleeping. Even though they know they are dead. Often times, we can see this kind of epitaphs, "Here lies (fill the name), he or she is not dead but SLEEPS."

I would like to have this sentence chiseled in my epitaph when I die.

I am DEAD. Period.

Part 3

Thought About Life (Part 1)

A woman was revived from near death experience. She suffered from flesh eating disease that she contacted when she was on holiday overseas. The doctor had to amputate all of her limbs to save her. She had to be taken care at ICU after the surgery. Her chance of survival was very slim, said the the doctor. Yet, she survived the ordeal.

I put down my newspaper and was wondering why we cling to life. I'd rather be dead than have my arms and legs amputated. My able body is my life. I think we cling to life after we are given life. If we're honest, there's no single soul in this world that voluntarily wants to be born. The starting existence of our lives is predetermined by our biological parents.

I think about life sometimes. I am grateful at one time and ungrateful at other time. Thought about life resurfaced after reading that article. Thought about life in general and my life.

Why are we here? Why were we born? Why do we live? Personally, I am asking myself, do I have to be grateful to be alive? Do I have to live my life for the sake of it? Should I carry on with my life because I am given life? These are some questions that pop up in my head. There is an outburst of emotions when I think about it. Anger, anxiety, fear, rebellious, sad and nihilistic are some that I can list down.

I feel like an ingrate now.

Other people probably are on death row by now and wish that they could avoid it. While others are probably struggling with life threatening disease and wish that they could live a little bit longer by having one of the body part cut off.

... And here I am with an able body and a sound mind, philosophizing about life with nihilistic view.

Part 2